MS. RITA: Working to Fund My Dream

My old friend Boo always knew how to cheer me up | Taken Jan. 2010

I had a feeling that the store might not do so well in the beginning. I didn't think it'd be going this poorly but I had a contingency plan in place if it came to be. Now it is time to put that plan to action and I've started searching for a part time job this week. Hopefully I find something with flexible hours or ideally night time hours so that I can still have time to work on bringing my store to where I'd like it to be. Just searching through the want ads is more than enough of a reminder to me of how much I want to work for myself. There are so many vague postings and so many scams it's a bit overwhelming. Especially since I don't live in a town where my degree would be useful to anyone except another retailer I find myself stuck in the very same place I was five years ago when I moved home. The idea of leaving again crossed my mind but for right now my place is here until I can be more established and financially stable again.

I'm okay with taking a job outside of my field of study. I've done it for the last four years and it's not so bad until that stifled feeling creeps up as it always does when you aren't doing the thing you are meant to do. This time though I want to stay closer to my roots if I can. And while I work for someone else I'll still pursue ways to bring income in on my own. Not just through the store but through other ventures such as writing books and developing sewing classes.

To be completely honest with you I'm so very tired. The insomnia is better but emotionally I'm drained. So many other things, not just the store, aren't going the way I thought they would or would have liked them to. Many times I feel as if there is no one I can talk to and that people have very little concern for where I am or how I'm feeling because they "know that I'll be all right". While they are most likely right and I do agree that eventually I'll be just fine, it still feels very lonely to be the only one who seems to care. Still, I press on. The best thing for me to do when I'm feeling like this is to create something. The project I'm working on for my friend's wedding is a much welcome distraction. It will help me to focus on something other than how miserable I've been lately and how alone I feel. Creating something that can put a smile on her face is so important to me and I want to make sure it's just right.

Until next time,

claire lynette

MS RITA: Disappointment and the Recovering Perfectionist

I didn't want to have two Ms Rita posts back to back, nor did I want to have two hair style posts so close to one another which served as part of a sad reason why I hadn't posted in two weeks. The real reason is during my favorite month of October I'd been stumbling over one disappointment after another in both my professional and private lives and all together I've slipped into a kind of mild depression. Or as my father would call it a case of the blues. If only I was skilled enough to wail away about my troubles while I strum a Gibson ES-355 in a smokey nightclub. Oh Lucille.

Perfectionism reared it's ugly head again and I realized I was setting up arbitrary and unnecessary goals for myself. My inflexibility for some things is sometimes overwhelming and at times disabling so when I'm trying to overcome my rigid tendencies and then these things happen:

Professionally:

1.) A license that I applied for according to instructions given to me from the powers that be still hasn't come in. This license is required for me to run my business and it if I'm found to be operating without it I can be charged with a misdemeanor and a fine which I can ill afford to pay. The fact that the application fee was deposited but the application lost boiled my blood. After finding out they sent the wrong application for me to submit, sending in a new one, waiting nearly a month for something that should have been completed in 7-10 business days; several phone calls and e-mails later I received word that they might process the application next week. I received this news this past Friday. Nothing is more disappointing than doing everything by the book and still being screwed. Nothing. As I have made no sales this month (another disappointment) I'm not worried about visiting the nearest cell block, however it's lead to the next problem.

2.) My saved funds are disappearing at an alarming rate and it's unsettling not having any revenue coming into justify the costs and the time put in so far. The fact that a simple piece of paper that I don't have yet is keeping me from reversing this problem just compounds my frustration.

3.) The recent government shut down was responsible for throwing off plans for a photoshoot because a scouted location was taken of the table thanks to being a part of the National Park Service. I had no idea it was national park. Still I opted to regroup and attempt to do the shoot anyway, perhaps in studio, but yet another obstacle reared it's ugly head (see point 2 above) and I canceled it completely.

4.) The fall lines for affordable clothing are pitiful in my opinion and I've had a hard time picking what to carry in the shop. I'm well aware that my emotions brought on by everything I've mentioned so far are probably clouding my ability to make decisions. I hate admitting it, but it's the truth. That and I hate providing what I feel are sub-par products. It's a vicious catch-22. In the mean time I've narrowed the list down to a few viable styles and with all determination will be placing orders at the end of the week. I have faith that my local government will get its act together and I'll have my license to operate in my hands soon. It's a gamble though I believe a reasonable one.

and Personally:

1.) I won't go into much detail here but the essence of it can be summed up in Track 9 on Adele's 21. I laughed when I heard it because before I was feeling more like Track 9 on Lily Allen's It's Not Me It's You. Since I heal through music I've been avoiding these tracks after I first heard them this past week. Especially the one from Ms. Adele. She plucks those heartstrings like a master.

2.) Insomnia is happening. I've never had it before. As a matter of fact I am writing this after waking up after having gone to bed about four hours ago. This has been the program that has gotten steadily worse this month. When I do sleep I'm met with either disturbing, unsettling, and/or nightmarish dreams. I rarely wake up rested. This could be due to a new medication I'm taking meant to regulate issues with my thyroid. Though I believe stress and anxiety has a lot to do with it too. Breathing exercises usually help get me back to sleep but only after a few hours wakefulness. This can't go on much longer if I still want to be a functioning human being.

3.) I'm still mourning the loss of a person I thought was a friend. They aren't dead so it's not that type of loss but I'm nevertheless going through all the stages of grief. I was betrayed and manipulated by this person who was very close to me. They used to be a big part of my life and now they are out. I don't miss them so much as I miss the fondness of the memories I had with them. Now that all of those memories are tainted after learning of their betrayal I'm left with a bitter taste. I forgave them but they can never be in my life again. I've never had this happen before so I'm learning how to deal. It probably means that I'll have an easier time letting people go should this happen again but unfortunately that also means it will be harder for me to hold on to those people in the first place. I'll work on that because it's not how I want to be. Everyone deserves a chance and that means that sometimes you get stomped on.

...all of it makes me want to hide in a hole and give up but...

In spite of all the this and becoming less productive in some areas of my life I've managed to still get a lot done in other ways. I've started exercising regularly again which always helps me feel better and I hope helps with the insomnia, I've learned how to use Spotify and have discovered some great artists and songs from others I've long admired I've never heard before, I've done a lot of coding for this blog and have learned some new things in the process, I've gotten better at cornrows where I actually feel okay with going out in public with them, and I've developed a new shopping program for Thorn & Laurel which I hope to start soon (waiting on that license).

Even though now I'm feeling blue I have joy. That may be difficult for some folks to understand but for me it makes perfect sense. I may not be happy but there is a lot in my life that is right. I know if I focus on that it makes things easier and will help bring me out of my funk. I cried a lot of tears in October and have had a lot of sleepless nights but it will get better. It always does.

Until next time,

claire lynette

MS RITA: Fear, Worry, Anxiety, and Other Inconveniences

These past two months I have had the great displeasure of encountering undue amounts of fear, worry, and anxiety thanks to this new journey I've embarked on. The emotions took me by such surprise that I still wonder if I've fully checked back into reality yet. Since opening the store I've been so hard on myself that I've worried me into a little dark abysmal hole where I'm nearly convinced I'm going mad and that everything I've done for the past eight months has been an utter mistake and waste of time. I don't tell very many about how I feel because I'm one of those people that others assume will be all right and on top no matter what I do so if I start lamenting about a problem I'm having I get shut down pretty quick with a, "You'll be fine." It's nice to know that others have such faith in me because it's their faith that I'm relying on now as mine is whisper thin and just as transparent. My sincerest hope is that in a few years I'll be able to look back on this post smile and think, "You silly girl. Everything worked out even better than you had hoped now didn't it?" It usually goes that way but it's so hard to keep in focus on a positive outcome when you feel as if you're blinded and trapped in an unfamiliar room and can't find the door to get out.

 Library books and journal on my nightstand

I know that fear is inevitable. There is no such thing as living without it and when people say they have no fear they are either lying or crazy. Acknowledging fear and still being able to work through it is the important thing. That's what I believe bravery is: doing something despite being afraid. I'm plenty scared and I'm well aware of it so at least I have that much going for me. My greatest fear is of failure and it will become a self-fulfilling prophecy if I can't get my act together and move past my fear. Welcoming failure is a concept that I have a hard time with.

It has only been recently that I've embraced the idea of optimalism instead of perfectionism so I'm still a rookie and there are years of kinks to work out. I've always been a fairly optimistic person to the point that it seems to annoy others but because I haven't found a consistent way to work through my fear and hence my perfectionism I have worry. So what happens when fear and worry get together in my head and take up all of my available brain power? Sleepless nights fraught with rapid mental gymnastics happen: my imagination is my greatest asset and my worst enemy.  Anxiety sets in, mania takes hold, and I end up out of bed pacing the floors. Never before have I been this unsettled about any goal. Perhaps it is proof how much I want it, not as though I needed it as this kind of all night activity does me absolutely no good.

 "Optimalism allows for failure in pursuit of a goal, and expects that while the trend of activity will tend towards the positive it is not necessary to always succeed while striving to attain goals." - Tal Ben-Shahar

Since knowing is half the battle I've been working to channel this anxious energy into positive productivity as best I can. What point is there in spending time worrying about what might or might not happen when I could be doing something - anything - to effect change and develop progress? So I've taken a few steps to help move me in the right direction:

1. Starting small. 
 Even if it's something small like making a to do list, drafting an e-mail to a potential client, or browsing new collections I do it because it matters. Doing the little things and doing them well encourages me to take on the bigger, scarier things. I know that when I break it down those big scary things aren't so big or bad. It's all in my mind.

2. Taking frequent breaks from work.
Now, when I realize that I'm no longer enjoying what I'm doing and am only focusing on the outcome, I force myself to take a step back and do something else like take a walk, make bracelets, sort through laundry, etc... I want to enjoy the process and learn and grow from it not just check it off the list.

3. Turning down the inner critic
There is no way I'm not going to be concerned about the quality of work that I do, but there is a distinct line between being reasonably self-critical and wanting to open a vein because something isn't going perfectly according to an arbitrary set of self-imposed rules and expectations. When I start to become anxious about whatever it is I'm working on because "it just isn't right yet" I take a moment to appreciate what I did get right and if everything I'm trying to do is necessary for it to be a great project. That way I can start focusing on the most important aspects of the project and leave the rest for improvement later. Very rarely does anything ever come out "perfectly" the first go-round. This is the hardest one for me to do so far and I expect it would be hard for a lot of other people.

Looking on the outside in I'm sure I sound like a total nut but it's a process I need to go through to be better. I have a business to run and don't have much time for hand-wringing so I borrowed a book from the library this weekend titled The Pursuit of Perfect: How to Stop Chasing and Start Living a Richer, Happier Life written by positive psychologist Tal Ben-Shahar who is a proponent of optimalist thinking. He taught a class at Harvard on happiness and you can learn more about it here (for those of you with short attentions spans or little time) and here for those of you with an hour to kill or great interest. I need to get a grip; hopefully reading this book will give me one or at least get me on my way. I wrote the first draft of this post before I read the book but now I'm nearly done with the book and it confirmed a lot of suspicions I already had about my perfectionist tendencies. So I'm feeling better about the perspective I have and the changes I've made to modify my behavior so far. In the book Ben-Shahar gives exercises and tools to use to help a person cut through the curtain that's keeping them from reaching their potential. I highly recommend it and will be checking out his other titles once my public library acquires them.

All said I don't mean to imply that I'm unhappy because in general I am quite happy. When I think of it, there is nothing else I'd rather be doing than working towards realizing my goals. It's the bit of not knowing if what I'm doing will work that gets me since I've never done this before. This where I must be brave and soldier on because it truly is the journey that counts the most.

Until next time,

claire lynette

Serious Business in Color

Blazer, Lucy Paris; Blouse, H&M; Skirt, Have; Necklace and Earrings, Versona; Heels, Dani Black "Channing Pump"; Bracelet, gift, unknown.

Lip Color: Maybelline Color Sensational High Shine Lip Gloss in "Captivating Coral"

Weather: High 93ºF; Low 73ºF. Balmy, hot, sunny, and beautiful.

Yesterday we hosted model interviews for the store for our upcoming campaigns. I wanted what I wore to say to the girls coming in for auditions that this is serious work and I'm a serious businesswoman. (It's hard to do when you're just starting and working with non-agency models because everyone is a skeptic!) Pretty sure I accomplished that by toning the green down with white, beige, and hints of gold; and being absolutely prepared for the meeting.

The only thing that would have made this look better would have been if there was any evidence whatsoever that I bothered curling my hair that morning, any evidence at all. Two minutes outside in this Louisiana humidity and my curls vanished from the scene. I laugh at you Garnier Fructis Anti-humidity Hairspray...you failed me and horrendously so. Instead of lovely cascading curls I had big straight hair (funny it looks shorter in these pictures than it seems in my mind) which is just as well because tomorrow I will be back in buns and sweats cozied up in the studio going over my notes from the interviews. 

Hoping you're having a beautiful Friday and wishing you a beautiful weekend, until next time,

claire lynette

MS. RITA: Chase Your Dreams

 inside the Thorn & Laurel studio, what once was a carport, then a game room, now a creative space

I mentioned on Monday that I started my own online store and that's why I haven't been posting for the last few months. I didn't mean to go on such a long unannounced hiatus, but in a way it was good because I was able to focus on getting the store launched and I had time to brainstorm on the direction in which I'd like to take this blog (more on the blog in a later post). It was a very good break because I learned a lot about myself and what I'm capable of.

The store came about because I've always wanted to be my own boss because I like the buck stopping with me. Still, I'm scared out of my mind. The only thing that keeps me from being paralyzed with fear is the intoxicating idea of it actually working. The store has been open only a month and a half. I've had two sales exactly and both came from dear friends. I'm  grateful for friends and family since it's they who are usually the ones who help me out and prop me up and keep on encouraging me when I feel run down and crazy.

       my little card table desk in disarray

Even if the store fails after I've given it my all I'll be all right. I'd rather have tried and failed than live with the regret or wonder of what could have been. I didn't choose an easy path. Do you know how many online clothing retailers there are for women? Thousands if not hundreds of thousands. And of those very many, all of the ones that can offer more than I can? Most of them. I'm not discouraged because I believe with all my heart that there's room for everyone at the table. My goal is to be open and transparent with my customers and the people I work with. What you see is what you get, there's no filter or filler. It's just me and just this. This is what I've got and I'm hoping that being honest and earnest, having good products, and working my tailbone off is enough. Plus I wouldn't admonish a little luck coming my way.

I'm chasing my dreams and that has made me happier than I've been in quite some time. Being fearful comes with the territory and as I asked other self-made business owners what it was like when they first started they tell me the fear never really goes away it just becomes different I began to feel better about doing all this. They promised that I will learn and grow and be challenged everyday and you know what? I can't think of a better way to live than constantly improving and making things better for myself and the world around me.

With that I complete the inaugural MS. RITA (Mover Shaker, RIsk TAker) post. It's what I'll tag future posts such as these along with "Thorn & Laurel Stuff". Oh and you can visit the store here: Thorn & Laurel

Until next time,

claire lynette