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Friday, November 1, 2013

MS RITA: Disappointment and the Recovering Perfectionist

Friday, November 1, 2013
I didn't want to have two Ms Rita posts back to back, nor did I want to have two hair style posts so close to one another which served as part of a sad reason why I hadn't posted in two weeks. The real reason is during my favorite month of October I'd been stumbling over one disappointment after another in both my professional and private lives and all together I've slipped into a kind of mild depression. Or as my father would call it a case of the blues. If only I was skilled enough to wail away about my troubles while I strum a Gibson ES-355 in a smokey nightclub. Oh Lucille.

Perfectionism reared it's ugly head again and I realized I was setting up arbitrary and unnecessary goals for myself. My inflexibility for some things is sometimes overwhelming and at times disabling so when I'm trying to overcome my rigid tendencies and then these things happen:


1.) A license that I applied for according to instructions given to me from the powers that be still hasn't come in. This license is required for me to run my business and it if I'm found to be operating without it I can be charged with a misdemeanor and a fine which I can ill afford to pay. The fact that the application fee was deposited but the application lost boiled my blood. After finding out they sent the wrong application for me to submit, sending in a new one, waiting nearly a month for something that should have been completed in 7-10 business days; several phone calls and e-mails later I received word that they might process the application next week. I received this news this past Friday. Nothing is more disappointing than doing everything by the book and still being screwed. Nothing. As I have made no sales this month (another disappointment) I'm not worried about visiting the nearest cell block, however it's lead to the next problem.

2.) My saved funds are disappearing at an alarming rate and it's unsettling not having any revenue coming into justify the costs and the time put in so far. The fact that a simple piece of paper that I don't have yet is keeping me from reversing this problem just compounds my frustration.

3.) The recent government shut down was responsible for throwing off plans for a photoshoot because a scouted location was taken of the table thanks to being a part of the National Park Service. I had no idea it was national park. Still I opted to regroup and attempt to do the shoot anyway, perhaps in studio, but yet another obstacle reared it's ugly head (see point 2 above) and I canceled it completely.

4.) The fall lines for affordable clothing are pitiful in my opinion and I've had a hard time picking what to carry in the shop. I'm well aware that my emotions brought on by everything I've mentioned so far are probably clouding my ability to make decisions. I hate admitting it, but it's the truth. That and I hate providing what I feel are sub-par products. It's a vicious catch-22. In the mean time I've narrowed the list down to a few viable styles and with all determination will be placing orders at the end of the week. I have faith that my local government will get its act together and I'll have my license to operate in my hands soon. It's a gamble though I believe a reasonable one.

and Personally:

1.) I won't go into much detail here but the essence of it can be summed up in Track 9 on Adele's 21. I laughed when I heard it because before I was feeling more like Track 9 on Lily Allen's It's Not Me It's You. Since I heal through music I've been avoiding these tracks after I first heard them this past week. Especially the one from Ms. Adele. She plucks those heartstrings like a master.

2.) Insomnia is happening. I've never had it before. As a matter of fact I am writing this after waking up after having gone to bed about four hours ago. This has been the program that has gotten steadily worse this month. When I do sleep I'm met with either disturbing, unsettling, and/or nightmarish dreams. I rarely wake up rested. This could be due to a new medication I'm taking meant to regulate issues with my thyroid. Though I believe stress and anxiety has a lot to do with it too. Breathing exercises usually help get me back to sleep but only after a few hours wakefulness. This can't go on much longer if I still want to be a functioning human being.

3.) I'm still mourning the loss of a person I thought was a friend. They aren't dead so it's not that type of loss but I'm nevertheless going through all the stages of grief. I was betrayed and manipulated by this person who was very close to me. They used to be a big part of my life and now they are out. I don't miss them so much as I miss the fondness of the memories I had with them. Now that all of those memories are tainted after learning of their betrayal I'm left with a bitter taste. I forgave them but they can never be in my life again. I've never had this happen before so I'm learning how to deal. It probably means that I'll have an easier time letting people go should this happen again but unfortunately that also means it will be harder for me to hold on to those people in the first place. I'll work on that because it's not how I want to be. Everyone deserves a chance and that means that sometimes you get stomped on.

...all of it makes me want to hide in a hole and give up but...

In spite of all the this and becoming less productive in some areas of my life I've managed to still get a lot done in other ways. I've started exercising regularly again which always helps me feel better and I hope helps with the insomnia, I've learned how to use Spotify and have discovered some great artists and songs from others I've long admired I've never heard before, I've done a lot of coding for this blog and have learned some new things in the process, I've gotten better at cornrows where I actually feel okay with going out in public with them, and I've developed a new shopping program for Thorn & Laurel which I hope to start soon (waiting on that license).

Even though now I'm feeling blue I have joy. That may be difficult for some folks to understand but for me it makes perfect sense. I may not be happy but there is a lot in my life that is right. I know if I focus on that it makes things easier and will help bring me out of my funk. I cried a lot of tears in October and have had a lot of sleepless nights but it will get better. It always does.

Until next time,

claire lynette

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