Of Course There Are Resolutions

Long before the streets became littered with dying/dead/used/spent Christmas trees, before the ball and red stick dropped, and long before there was a polar vortex whirring across the North America I wanted to write about the coming new year and the one we all were getting ready to leave behind us. Because of my focus elsewhere that hasn't happened until now. These are a few of my resolutions for the new year. Some are continuations of old ones that just are good to keep in mind.

1. Accept things and people as they are (especially myself)

My dad was great at this and perhaps he was so good at it because before I came along to witness his awesomeness he had a whole lifetime before me to perfect it. He would always tell me that it's much easier to change how I react to things than to change the thing I am reacting to whatever it may be. To meet people where they are and not where you wish they could be is a better way to live life. I can appreciate them for everything that they are right now: flaws, hopes, dreams; and learn and grow from that. It's wonderful when you can do that especially when you do it for yourself. I think doing this one thing as contributed to the constant serenity and happiness that I've been experiencing these past few months. It doesn't mean not to work on improving and doing my best to inspire that in others but it does mean not allowing myself or others to fall by the wayside in a pit of judgement. After all you can't judge a painting until it's finished and as far as I'm concerned we are all works in progress.

2. Let go of what has let go of me

I've lost friends this past year and each time it was incredibly hurtful and emotionally difficult as anyone can imagine it would be.  I've always been a deeply loyal and supportive friend and I am reluctant to let people leave my life too easily, but I've learned that if someone wants to be in yours they will act like it. Two were people that I thought would be in my life forever and the other a new relationship that started with great promise and happiness. One I had to show the exit after a nearly unforgivable betrayal, another let go of me for reasons I still don't comprehend but have learned to accept (the new relationship), and another cut me out of their life completely when I was honest with them about what I needed from their friendship. The best thing is that though I've lost these three I've gained many more and have  reconnected with old friends. Nothing can replace the good things I've had with those friends I've lost, but I am ever grateful for those I've made since.

3. Maintain patience

I don't pray to God often. I find that I don't need to. The tools he's given me already are far and a way more than sufficient to accomplish any goal set before me. I keep his guidance in mind as I go about my days and I believe he and I are both very cool with that. However, about six years ago I asked him to give me patience and he certainly did. I am much more patient now than I've ever been, but it's only because my patience has been tested more than it has ever been and because of my desire to be better I withstood the temptation to rush through things. Everyday I think my resolve grows deeper and deeper. I keep looking on the brightside and I do my best to accentuate the crap out of the positive. It works and it keeps me happy.

4. Create anyway

I started this blog years ago as a way for me to chronicle things I create, mostly in the name of fashion, but now I want to share all my little passion projects and pursuits.  Since I started Thorn & Laurel money has been tight and until I'm financially stable again it's difficult to buy materials. Though I have all the time I could ever want now to make things if I had the materials I needed. The irony slays me since before I had the money but not the time. Yet, there are some things I can do and I will share them here with you since I am saving a little here and there when I can. In the mean time I'll have to settle for creating things that are relatively free: writing stories, sketching, painting, photographing, and using up the materials I already have on hand. Embracing my need to create is something that I think will help me become better. I don't know in what way better, but just better all around perhaps.


Life is ever changing and that just may be one of the best things about it. I change. The people and places around me change too. Sometimes the changes are hard, like losing once very close friends, and sometimes the changes are good like discovering you have a knack for something you never considered before. I know there are no regular readers of my blog so it's more of a vanity project than anything else, but keeping it going despite my personal setbacks and inconsistent posting (The blog has been rebooted twice and redesigned several times. After years of blogging I'm only just now reaching 100 posts) helps me keep focus of the things I care about. I hope that there is something in your life like that for you. Something that helps keep your eye on the prize, whatever that prize may be, and helps you move forward. We can't ever go back so we must make the most of going forward.

I wish you a very, very happy New Year and I will see you in the next post.

Truly,

Claire

Little Updates

1.) I got a part-time job working overnight doing stock replenishment for a beauty supply store here in town. My first night was last night and it was a breeze. I love having something to constantly do where my mind is totally focused on the task at hand; it's like meditation for me. Plus, I'm already accustomed to the schedule. It may only be a seasonal position, I'm not entirely sure, but I'm happy to have it. Hopefully they see my work ethic and ability to learn quickly and decide to keep me on permanently. (I've had to remind myself that even if you are competent, have common sense, and are skillful most people will still treat the "new girl" like an idiot until she's proven herself to them which unfortunately you have to do at any new work environment no matter your level of position or authority. It's a reality that I accept.)

2.) The sock knitting loom is a trial of patience.
It took me two hours to get just this far because of the tedium of pulling the loops over the small pegs. The fabric I've knitted so far bare extends the height of the loom. I do think that knitting looms are ideal for folks who have never knitted before and are just learning concept so they can be very useful. However, after two hours I think I I would have had a finished or nearly finished sock using traditional knitting technique of knitting in the round with four needles. I've decided to test this theory out and continue to finish the sock on the loom and then create its twin using traditional knitting needles. I'll post my results later. Sadly, this means no sock loom knitted Christmas gifts for anyone this year.

3.) I've slowed down a lot.
For the past year I've been going quite hard with getting Thorn & Laurel up and running. I realized that though I loved this new endeavor it was wearing me out. I have a book that is really helpful in deepening my understanding of the emotional and psychological part of starting a business (lots and lots of ups and downs). It's titled Birthing the Elephant, The woman's go-for-it! guide to overcoming the big challenges of launching a business by Karin Abarbanel and Bruce Freeman and I recommend anyone even thinking of becoming an entrepreneur to read it woman or otherwise. I've gone back over the pages and assured myself that it's okay to take a breather before I head into the next phase of the business. Giving myself a chance to recharge my batteries and regain focus I think will really help. Of course I have lists and lists of new ideas and my original business plan to serve as my road map, but one person can only do so much before she has to sit down for a minute. Doing so has helped me balance my stress, expectations, and time better. I'm looking quite positively towards the future.

4.) Wedding Project
I'm making stellar progress on the project I told you about here. I would ordinarily post pictures but since we don't want the groom accidentally seeing the bride in her gown before the wedding day I'll have to wait, but I will show you some muslins that I've done up in a later post. It's so exciting!

I hope everyone has had a beautiful past few weeks and if you've celebrated Thanksgiving this past weekend I hope it was a happy and safe one.

Until next time,

claire lynette

MS. RITA: Working to Fund My Dream

My old friend Boo always knew how to cheer me up | Taken Jan. 2010

I had a feeling that the store might not do so well in the beginning. I didn't think it'd be going this poorly but I had a contingency plan in place if it came to be. Now it is time to put that plan to action and I've started searching for a part time job this week. Hopefully I find something with flexible hours or ideally night time hours so that I can still have time to work on bringing my store to where I'd like it to be. Just searching through the want ads is more than enough of a reminder to me of how much I want to work for myself. There are so many vague postings and so many scams it's a bit overwhelming. Especially since I don't live in a town where my degree would be useful to anyone except another retailer I find myself stuck in the very same place I was five years ago when I moved home. The idea of leaving again crossed my mind but for right now my place is here until I can be more established and financially stable again.

I'm okay with taking a job outside of my field of study. I've done it for the last four years and it's not so bad until that stifled feeling creeps up as it always does when you aren't doing the thing you are meant to do. This time though I want to stay closer to my roots if I can. And while I work for someone else I'll still pursue ways to bring income in on my own. Not just through the store but through other ventures such as writing books and developing sewing classes.

To be completely honest with you I'm so very tired. The insomnia is better but emotionally I'm drained. So many other things, not just the store, aren't going the way I thought they would or would have liked them to. Many times I feel as if there is no one I can talk to and that people have very little concern for where I am or how I'm feeling because they "know that I'll be all right". While they are most likely right and I do agree that eventually I'll be just fine, it still feels very lonely to be the only one who seems to care. Still, I press on. The best thing for me to do when I'm feeling like this is to create something. The project I'm working on for my friend's wedding is a much welcome distraction. It will help me to focus on something other than how miserable I've been lately and how alone I feel. Creating something that can put a smile on her face is so important to me and I want to make sure it's just right.

Until next time,

claire lynette

MS RITA: Fear, Worry, Anxiety, and Other Inconveniences

These past two months I have had the great displeasure of encountering undue amounts of fear, worry, and anxiety thanks to this new journey I've embarked on. The emotions took me by such surprise that I still wonder if I've fully checked back into reality yet. Since opening the store I've been so hard on myself that I've worried me into a little dark abysmal hole where I'm nearly convinced I'm going mad and that everything I've done for the past eight months has been an utter mistake and waste of time. I don't tell very many about how I feel because I'm one of those people that others assume will be all right and on top no matter what I do so if I start lamenting about a problem I'm having I get shut down pretty quick with a, "You'll be fine." It's nice to know that others have such faith in me because it's their faith that I'm relying on now as mine is whisper thin and just as transparent. My sincerest hope is that in a few years I'll be able to look back on this post smile and think, "You silly girl. Everything worked out even better than you had hoped now didn't it?" It usually goes that way but it's so hard to keep in focus on a positive outcome when you feel as if you're blinded and trapped in an unfamiliar room and can't find the door to get out.

 Library books and journal on my nightstand

I know that fear is inevitable. There is no such thing as living without it and when people say they have no fear they are either lying or crazy. Acknowledging fear and still being able to work through it is the important thing. That's what I believe bravery is: doing something despite being afraid. I'm plenty scared and I'm well aware of it so at least I have that much going for me. My greatest fear is of failure and it will become a self-fulfilling prophecy if I can't get my act together and move past my fear. Welcoming failure is a concept that I have a hard time with.

It has only been recently that I've embraced the idea of optimalism instead of perfectionism so I'm still a rookie and there are years of kinks to work out. I've always been a fairly optimistic person to the point that it seems to annoy others but because I haven't found a consistent way to work through my fear and hence my perfectionism I have worry. So what happens when fear and worry get together in my head and take up all of my available brain power? Sleepless nights fraught with rapid mental gymnastics happen: my imagination is my greatest asset and my worst enemy.  Anxiety sets in, mania takes hold, and I end up out of bed pacing the floors. Never before have I been this unsettled about any goal. Perhaps it is proof how much I want it, not as though I needed it as this kind of all night activity does me absolutely no good.

 "Optimalism allows for failure in pursuit of a goal, and expects that while the trend of activity will tend towards the positive it is not necessary to always succeed while striving to attain goals." - Tal Ben-Shahar

Since knowing is half the battle I've been working to channel this anxious energy into positive productivity as best I can. What point is there in spending time worrying about what might or might not happen when I could be doing something - anything - to effect change and develop progress? So I've taken a few steps to help move me in the right direction:

1. Starting small. 
 Even if it's something small like making a to do list, drafting an e-mail to a potential client, or browsing new collections I do it because it matters. Doing the little things and doing them well encourages me to take on the bigger, scarier things. I know that when I break it down those big scary things aren't so big or bad. It's all in my mind.

2. Taking frequent breaks from work.
Now, when I realize that I'm no longer enjoying what I'm doing and am only focusing on the outcome, I force myself to take a step back and do something else like take a walk, make bracelets, sort through laundry, etc... I want to enjoy the process and learn and grow from it not just check it off the list.

3. Turning down the inner critic
There is no way I'm not going to be concerned about the quality of work that I do, but there is a distinct line between being reasonably self-critical and wanting to open a vein because something isn't going perfectly according to an arbitrary set of self-imposed rules and expectations. When I start to become anxious about whatever it is I'm working on because "it just isn't right yet" I take a moment to appreciate what I did get right and if everything I'm trying to do is necessary for it to be a great project. That way I can start focusing on the most important aspects of the project and leave the rest for improvement later. Very rarely does anything ever come out "perfectly" the first go-round. This is the hardest one for me to do so far and I expect it would be hard for a lot of other people.

Looking on the outside in I'm sure I sound like a total nut but it's a process I need to go through to be better. I have a business to run and don't have much time for hand-wringing so I borrowed a book from the library this weekend titled The Pursuit of Perfect: How to Stop Chasing and Start Living a Richer, Happier Life written by positive psychologist Tal Ben-Shahar who is a proponent of optimalist thinking. He taught a class at Harvard on happiness and you can learn more about it here (for those of you with short attentions spans or little time) and here for those of you with an hour to kill or great interest. I need to get a grip; hopefully reading this book will give me one or at least get me on my way. I wrote the first draft of this post before I read the book but now I'm nearly done with the book and it confirmed a lot of suspicions I already had about my perfectionist tendencies. So I'm feeling better about the perspective I have and the changes I've made to modify my behavior so far. In the book Ben-Shahar gives exercises and tools to use to help a person cut through the curtain that's keeping them from reaching their potential. I highly recommend it and will be checking out his other titles once my public library acquires them.

All said I don't mean to imply that I'm unhappy because in general I am quite happy. When I think of it, there is nothing else I'd rather be doing than working towards realizing my goals. It's the bit of not knowing if what I'm doing will work that gets me since I've never done this before. This where I must be brave and soldier on because it truly is the journey that counts the most.

Until next time,

claire lynette

She Left the Driveway

Jacket, Daytrip at The Buckle ; T-shirt, Perfect Tee at Old Navy; Pants, Spoon Jeans at Alloy; Scarf, thrifted; Necklace, Dillard's; Bag; Express; Sunglasses, Steve Madden; Flats, Charlotte-Russe; Earrings, Forever21
Today's Weather: High 76º, Low 51º F. Sunny, very breezy.

My apologies for no detail shots. There were so many interruptions and I was losing light fast.

This isn't so much an outfit post as it is documentation of me leaving my comfort zone which encompasses about 10ft by 12ft of my driveway. I've lamented before about how hard it is to find interesting places near my home to shoot. And it is very hard. My city is dull and the interesting places are difficult to get to because I live in a semi-rural area and must drive (and drive) to get anywhere, plus frankly I don't want to be in the interesting places alone with $500 camera. There are other places that would work safety wise but I don't have an access card and/or photography isn't really permitted. It's hard.

Not to mention I'm naturally paranoid and there is always a constant conversation between Cool Calm Collected Claire (Claire³) and Unreasonable Panicky Claire (UPClaire): 

UPClaire: What if my car gets burglarized and my camera and equipment are taken?
Claire³: Call law enforcement. You know all the numbers  anyway. File an insurance claim.

UPClaire: What if I'm robbed? 
Claire³: Again, call law enforcement and get a clothing description and direction of travel.

UPClaire: What if there are children nearby and I get accused of doing bad things?
Claire³: Whatever. Avoid places with children then there will be no worries.

UPClaire: What if I get photo-bombed?
Claire³: Curse then crop. 

UPClaire: What if some passerby runs into my equipment and breaks it?
Claire³: Accidents happen. Make sure they're okay and leave it be.

UPClaire: What if someone thinks I'm a spy?
Claire³: Lol, yeah, okay.

UPClaire: What if, what if, what if...
Claire³: Just quit. It's only a damn picture.

Today, as with most days, reason won out. Also I am not an idiot and that helps times a million so I quit being such a pansy and gave it a shot.

Well, I found out that leaving the driveway is mostly annoying. If you don't have someone kind enough, or stupid enough, or both to follow you around to take your picture it's hard to get a good shot. Details are hard. Lighting is hard. My driveway is easy, effective, and most of all loose child and canine free. 

However there are things that would have made it easier for me leaving the driveway today:

1. Not shooting at what turned out to be a popular park on a Friday afternoon because people will be every-damn-where; especially kids and dogs who will run into your shot.
2. Not shooting two hours before sunset especially when there are lots of trees nearby ready to throw a shadow on everything.
3. Planning a bit more for my first time away from my beloved concrete haven. (But I was feeling all spontaneous!)

This experience hasn't deterred me from trying again. It just may not be for a while.

Until next time,

claire lynette

Strawberries? Yes!

 

 

lips stained red from my first snow ball of the season

Tunic Dress, Morgan and Co., Ross Stores; Belt, taken from a skirt I no longer own; Sandals, Guess; Bag, Farmer's Market in New Orleans; Necklace, thrifted; Earrings, Forever21

Today's Weather: High 85; Low 67 degrees Fahrenheit. Sunny, clear, and bright.

I had to keep it easy today since Louisiana heat doesn't play nice and I was going to be out in it a good part of the day. An airy sundress, hair braided up and off my shoulders, and scads and scads of sunscreen was all I was willing to deal with. A simple bag to keep things easy and my hands free and I was set. That bracelet you see is a UV bracelet meant to warn me when I need to reapply sunscreen or need to get out of the sun. I haven't quite made my mind up about it yet.

Y'all, today I had so much fun. I guess I've just been really lucky to have two wonderful days in a row. But how could I not have a wonderful day going to a festival that celebrates my favorite fruit-non-fruit of all time? I had never been to the annual Louisiana Strawberry Festival in Ponchatoula, LA  before and I'm so glad I finally went. There were plenty of strawberry type things to be had: strawberry daiquiris, strawberry shortcakes, strawberry funnel cakes, strawberry lemonade, strawberry wine, strawberry soda, chocolate covered strawberries, fried strawberries...yes I said fried. As far as I know if it's a food we'll find a way to fry it here in the South. There were also rides, bands playing, carnival games, and of course local farmers selling that lovely little fruit. I bought up a pint of some delicious looking strawberries from that flat of them you see pictured at the top. Get a little taste of the festival after the jump!

Other than that, all for now,

claire lynette